Luckily it was someone from FedEx with my new scanner! I guess doorbells, especially buzZZZzzers, are a pretty easy thing to be startled by, especially when I’m concentrating deeply on work. Of course I still feel better having a real working doorbell than none at all, like in some of my previous apartments. At least now I know when someone is there.
It took a while longer for me to calm down than in my “normal” days (lots of extra adrenaline and my nervous system is still very sensitized!) but once I did I had a pretty good day:
I always liked small talk, but it’s one of those things that never came easily to me. It wasn’t until I lived in a neighborhood where no one spoke to each other or even made eye contact on the street that I learned how lonely it feels without a few words each day. Now that I’m making myself start some conversations, I’m surprised at how good I can feel afterward.
I’m worried that this new series may make it seem like I’m afraid of everything now (HUMIDITY? Really?) but one thing I’ve learned about anxiety and panic is how PHYSICAL it is. It’s not just a bundle of worries that are “all in your head.”
The inside of my head has become fairly calm most of the time, thanks to therapy and the simple passage of time. But there are still some external things that trigger me and set off reactions in my mind and body, like swampy humid air. What was once a minor annoyance now makes me feel dizzy and disoriented. I start sweating, shaking, gasping for air, then choking, which means I will fall down and die if I don’t get home RIGHT NOW, INSTANTLY! And that’s a panic attack.
I have been riding the bus a lot, but lately it has felt more difficult. One stop may not seem like much, but it felt great to get off and take a long meandering walk home.
I write and draw every single day, but I’ve never kept a visual diary, let alone a diary devoted to a single subject. I’m not sure if I will do this daily, because August is usually a slow work-month for me, and hopefully in the future there won’t be as many anxious moments to record!
One day at a time. I like the idea of an Anxious Deli, where all the snacks are constantly rustling and crinkling their packaging when you come in.